Relationship difficulties can be some of the most painful experiences in life, especially when one is younger. With some effort, though, you can change that. You can learn about communication, for starters. You can learn about your own default behavior in relationship that's causing difficulties. You can heal whatever childhood issues you have that are making relationships painful. You can learn to be a better partner.
All in all, you can change the pattern of difficult relationships and move into having satisfying relationships.
What is important to know is that you do not have to suffer in relationship forever.
On the right side here are some of the best books on relationship that I know about. I highly recommend everyone read The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It is an easy, fast read, yet the information is really important. Patricia Evans gives examples of the way we talk to each other that somehow does not feel right, feels demeaning, but we can't put our finger on why that is so. She explains why that type of communication does not work. You will be amazed not only at why it felt so bad to hear certain things from people, but also to discover your own unsupportive communications, the way you have hurt others, without knowing you were doing so, and how you can change that.
Taking the War Out of Words is similar to The Verbally Abusive Relationship, but goes into more detail and depth. It allows you to see the underlying intents of the communication of others. It also shows you your own deeper intents in the way you communicate and helps you not only improve your communication, but also helps you solve core issues. I also highly recommend that book.
What Can You Do Right Now?
If you are suffering in this moment because of a relationship (and that suffering can be unbearable, I know), here are some things you can do.
The objective is to change your obsessive state of mind as fast as possible. From a psychic point of view, an energy point of view, you need to change your aura, your energy field. When you change your energy field, you get a break from the obsession. When you get a break, you give yourself the opportunity to recover, gain strength and allow solutions to arise. So, doing anything (that's constructive), will do the trick: go see a movie; visit with friends; clean house; sit in a cafe; watch some comedy -- I have compiled a big selection of videos in the Comedy section of the website; or call your therapist.
It's a good idea not to be alone. If you can put yourself where there are a lot of people, even if you don't talk to them, the energy from their psyches will change your state of mind, and that's what you want--a break in your intensity, some distance, so you can start to think clearly and move toward permanent solutions to the problem.
You can also use the "Love Letter Format" on the right side here (I suggest you print it out), to work through your intense emotions and arrive at peace. Just make sure you are comprehensive as you work through the different sections, and make sure you move through to the end. The process itself is transformative, so it's important to do all the pieces to the end--in one sitting.
Below is a wonderful guided meditation on forgiveness recorded by Peter Russell and the Monroe Institute. Really good to listen to when you feel hurt by someone's actions.
Below are three guided meditations about love and relationship from Sanaya Roman and Orin. Use them if they feel helpful to you, like anything else on this page. We are all unique, and need different supports and different times.
Most of my new clients (if they're not referrals), find me on the Internet, make an appointment using the calendar on this website, wait for their appointed time, then come and see me for a session.
The only people that do not use that process are young women in the throes of relationship agony. They want a session right away. They are looking for quick solutions to their pain (I've been there and understand), and impatient to hear anything else.
This is the thing. Your relationship pain is not an isolated experience. It is connected to everything else in your life. To move away from the pain, you need to understand the larger context of the relationship: your family history, your childhood patterning, your own unique relationship needs, and so on. This requires a full psychic reading. If you are patient enough and present enough to hear it, you will move way beyond the immediate troubles, into permanent solutions, and expanded relationship potential.
The Boyfriend Does Not Call
The most common complaint I get with boyfriend issues is that he does not call or does not do something that's normal to expect. The question is always: Why? Why doesn't he call? Why didn't he do this or that? Then a lot of time is spent analyzing why he did this or that or why he may not have done this or that.
All of us seem to do that, and it's a fruitless endeavor, tying up your energy in a place that can yield no results.
The answer is simple: He does not call because he does not want to. He does not do this or that because he does not want to.
You can take it face value, leave it at that, and move on.
There is nothing you can do to change his feelings. If he was really interested, he would have called and he would have done all those things.
This is hard to take, but it's the easiest way out of a tangled mess of painful feelings: To just see things for what they are and get on with life.
Why Some Relationships Don't Work
The main reason relationships don't work with younger people--as I have seen in couples' psychic readings--is that there is a fundamental incompatibility. I would say the reason young people find themselves in this type of situation is because of lack of experience in relationships. They need to go through a number of relationships as a way to learn about themselves and their values and priorities before they can be clear on what kind of relationship would fit them best.
There is no way to bridge the gap of fundamental life values. One has to find a mate that shares the same fundamental values.
Here is a list of fundamental incompatibilities:
There is also a very basic incompatibility of two people, one looking for a serious relationship and marriage, the other one on an indefinite dating track.
I have discovered that there is one thing most of my young clients do not know (and some older ones), and that is when you are out and about and looking for a mate, you don't just arbitrarily go with the person to whom you are most attracted (though hard to resist). You go in with the intention of finding someone who is looking for the same thing: looking for marriage, looking to start a family . . . looking for what you are looking for.
You approach your search keeping this in mind. That way you don't find yourself in love with someone who does not share your fundamental life values and goals.
You have a choice when you are looking for a life partner. Exercise that choice!
Relationships from a Psychic Point of View
When I first started giving psychic readings and saw couples together, I was amazed at the the kind of opportunity that relationship offered. It was all about coming into one's own truth, power, potential, and fulfillment. And fundamentally it was about soul evolution.
From the human perspective sometimes it can be miserable and messy. What I saw, though, is if you understood the relationship (life really), as a way to come into your highest truth, power and soul potential, the fulfillment of your being, and approach the relationship with that understanding, everything could change. You could approach all relationship challenges (and life challenges), with useful questions: how do I need to grow here, what in me wants to open, what power wants to come forth, what greater fulfillment is available to me?
As I see it psychically, this looks easy. I've no idea why that is, because it's not easy at all, as most of us know. However, as I've told many of my clients, what option do you really have? You either are willing to grow, or stay miserable (possibly devolve). In my view, the answer is to go forward.
If you are having relationship challenges, I strongly recommend that you come and see me for a couple's session. In one session you will receive more information than, as one of my clients said, "years of therapy." This is true. It is true because I see all the information about you and your relationship at once, and I give you that information. There is always homework, and effort to be made. However, the effort it worth it; it bears fruit.
Excellent Books on Relationship
Looking for a Life Partner?
The Love Letter Format
John Gray, Ph.D., developed this process to help couples who are having difficulties in relationship. It moves you from pain and rage to love and peace. It is a very effective process. This is in his book:
Print out the form to have at your side as you go through the different sections.
For best results, be comprehensive in your responses. Only when you have absolutely nothing left to say in one category, move to the next category.
This is a process, leading to peace, so make sure you go through all the categories to the very end in one session. Very powerful.
The Love Letter Format - Quoted Directly from John Gray's Book, What You Can Feel, You Can Heal
To write a Love Letter, begin by expressing your anger, resentment and blame and allow yourself to move through the other levels until you get down to the love.
Each Love Letter has five parts -- and the following lead-in phrases may help you if you get stuck in one level and need to move into the next.
Make sure you go through the entire process in one sitting.
1. Anger and Blame
I don't like it when . . .
I resent . . .
I hate it when . . .
I'm fed up with . . .
I'm tired of . . .
I want . . .
2. Hurt and Sadness
I feel sad when . . .
I feel hurt because . . .
I feel awful because . . .
I feel disappointed because . . .
I want . . .
3. Fear and Insecurity
I feel afraid . . .
I'm afraid that . . .
I feel scared because . . .
I want . . .
4. Guilt and Responsibility
I'm sorry that . . .
I'm sorry for . . .
Please forgive me for . . .
I didn't mean to . . .
I wish . . .
5. Love, Forgiveness, Understanding and Desire
I love you because . . .
I love when . . .
I understand that . . .
I forgive you for . . .
I want . . .